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On Writing, Why?

On Writing, Why - 2008-07-27 09:15

If I build it, they will come

I have lived my life waiting to be ready when the teacher arrived. It might just be a case of inflated expectations, or an unhealthy self-absorption, but I'm still waiting.

I must add, blind as I seem to be, my hearing is perfect.

It may be that there was not just one teacher and I've been learning little bits all the time -- aggregation through osmosis. It might be that I've never been truly ready. Mostly I just notice that after a person talks to me, they look in my eyes, look away, then shake their heads, slightly.

I think it's like god -- he either is or he isn't; everything or nothing -- and if he needs me to bow and scrape to have meaning -- he's more a King than a god, and I bow before no king. I seek no proof of god, it's clearly out of in my hands, what I really think I need is a bunch of smaller gods -- more hands on and accessible. I need a god proof-er to go over my copy, a god lawyer to check my background. Might even a media savvy god to handle my PR -- or a devil, it's hard to judge these days.

But what I've got is me, and I am no longer going to wait.

I've had gentle arguments with my woman about my writing. She thinks I'd be better off writing if I first figured out what people wanted, then gave it to them. Anyone can do that -- read formula romance novels, or newspapers -- they use algorithms as places to hold words, then print it out. It's the math of English -- the algebra of wordsmith's -- It takes the unknown of personality out and slaps in standards. It has a place in the world of facts and the world of simple emotions, but nothing to do with me.

I write for the person 300 years from now who accidentally finds me on a stray disk, stuck in a condemned library. I don't believe that trying to make people happy without making myself happy has a point. I also don't think it would work -- people write better than me in almost all genres. The only thing I do better than others is write exactly what the vision that drives me tells me to write, and no one on earth is better at this than me. I write for me, and because I have to or I hurt. I've spent a lot of my life hurting and I don't want to anymore.

I figure I might just be starting the alternative religion for Scientology in the 23rd century. Stranger things have happened. 

(I write because someday Connor might want to know about his Grandfather.)


Anonymous said…
Absolutely positively not what I ever said or would say about your (or anyone's) writing!
love from
-your woman
& your #1 fan
and groupie

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