Sunday, April 18, 2010

Theory of Everything



If you take the yes and the no, and add to it the neither and the both, you are almost there. With the addition of maybe, you’ve arrived.

Congratulations.

You now have all of the Boolean search terms needed to explain what’s going on in another persons head; a sort of “Grand Unified Theory of Interpersonal Relations.”

Using this simple and elegant group of tools, you can now find answers to almost nothing, unless you consider the infinite series of new questions that come from the one you asked to be a type of answer.

(Or, you can just fall back on the word-on-the-street version of all that is true -- it depends, and I don’t know.)

(By the way, the real answer to everything turns out not to be 42, as previously reported. It’s .422 --which shows both the perils of the incorrect use of decimals, and the importance of carrying out your work to at least three places.)

Example:

What was he thinking?

I just walked out of my bedroom into the living room and started desperately searching for something. What I was looking for I did not know at the time I started looking. I’ve found that usually the answer comes to me in the middle of my searching – and that the initiating of the action is enough to start a clock in me that forces me to really bare down and get into a hyper-real game mode of focus – and this trick of the mind prevents me from looking like a doddering fool, or pre-senile, in front of other people. When it works.

It took a while, but I finally discovered that I was looking for my pants. I had none on and was dangling uncomfortably, what with all my rushing around.

I went back into the bedroom and put my pants on. I’m still not sure how they got off me in the first place.

Answers:

  1. Yes, he’s nutty, like a fruitcake from Georgia in the summer. It won’t be too long before he drools at movies and washes his cat in hydrogen peroxide for the sweet smell of clean.

  1. No, he was just preoccupied with his thoughts, “Poets are working even when they are looking out windows.” He might have dropped a metaphor and was worried it might turn into an allusion if he left it alone for too long.

  1. Neither, though he likes to be naked when he walks around, he was actually looking for his car keys – just to make sure that he had not left them in his car -- or in the front door lock. The pants thing was incidental -- a form of serendipity.

  1. Both, he is making creative excuses, and using jokes to cover both his distain for the wearing of pants and the loss of some of the screws he’s been using to hold his brain in.

  1. Maybe, he saw a new comet blazing across the sky outside his window and was looking for a camera to get a photo to put on his blog, or, he had to pee really badly. He does not wear pants, they make him look fat.

(The answer is D)













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