Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Rolling Away the Stone

Issue #1 of Mike’s solutions to everyday problems. 
(If you have to ask what the problem is, you are not ready for the solution.)

The advantage of the paper against wall method is -- the natural braking action of the wall prevents paper runaways. This is useful if you are a forceful person, have mad pets, or are a practicing Sufi with whirling dervish tendencies.

It’s also a bit unhygienic – the need to touch the wall when pulling the paper can come at a “bad” time – especially if you need additional paper after the first pull and wipe. It’s the ultimate of a double dipping no-no. Since yankers tend to more emotional and impulsive, they may want to plan accordingly. It’s better to take too much and not need it than to have poop on your walls. Inderal can help – ask your physician. Enough said, really, enough.

The advantage of placing the roll so that the paper free falls into the center of the room is convenience, it’s easy – and it’s more ethereal and cottony – like pulling an air bidet, with padding, to effortlessly, and obviously, cleanse yourself. It doesn’t take thought or care – perfect for the conditions. Sometimes, thinking is not your friend.

The downside is, again, the runaway problem – piles of paper loosely unleashed onto tile floors. This is a bad approach for those with dogs, kids, tardive dyskinesia, or attention problems in general. As well, people with septic tanks may find themselves walking through puddles of poo in their backyards after rainy days, if not careful when flushing the extra paper.

The solution is -- give a gentle fold to the roll before you put it on the bar. Your front facing “free roll” will now have a brake! The oval lumpiness will “chunk” itself with each revolution, and thereby limit runaways, saving paper for what it’s really for –wiping shit off your butt.

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