1. The cop that stopped me in Barstow needs more color. He was big in a fat kind of way, ugly with a steroidal acne blush, and scary on a Steven King travels through Nevada while dreaming of lepers tripfest. I kept thinking he wanted to pull me out of the car window in pieces, if needed. If I were a woman, I would have dialed 911 before rolling the window down.
2. Route 66 from the Bagdad Café to Golf across the desert is unrideable – the max speed is 40mph, and it’s a rough ride at that. It has obviously not had maintenance in the last 30 years. On the other hand, and meth lab, barring transportation problems, might find a nice home in the Mohave – and maybe you should think about that late at night while driving alone (see #1.)
3. As a child, I had three-year relationships with people (Army brat.) I’ve learned to keep the magic going as a n adult, with difficulty, but am learning that it’s sometimes more about my fear of being found out than it is timing and readjustment. I don’t fear rejection – I don’t care enough – I fear rejection after someone gets to know me and enough of the real stuff has leaked out to give an informed opinion. Not sure if it’s self-fulfilling prophecy, on my part, or just good common sense on the part of others – but some real patterns have developed in both work and play. I almost cringe when people like me at first meet – the same people reject me once they find out I’m not there projection of what they thought. The funny thing is – people who don’t like me on first blush, at time, end up big supporters. I’ve learned that other people can’t see me any better than I can – very scary, and I wonder how this has affected behavior – and more important, what, if anything, to do about it.
4. Different on this trip – small things, baby steps. I sent post cards to 3 people. I talked to people when I stopped. I stopped at places, and for reasons, unclear to me.
5. There are a lot of fucking people in California – only Las Vegas was anywhere close – but urban suburbia is non-stop in the Golden State, except for a small area around Stockton.
6. Beginning and end, and now for some plans – cut my hair, clean up my resume and look hard for a job. I have realized that I may not get a job quickly, and than I can continue to enjoy this time off without guilt – but I do need to do the footwork and keep the looking on the clean side of the street.
7. I may live in a world I create most of the time, but I’m going to start issuing more passports and travel Visas. I’m not North Korea, other than in my hair style and self sufficiency (jute.)
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